It is an awfully weak thing to admit your unconditional love for someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s like you think that if you love them enough, they’ll start to love you back. After caring so much and trying so hard to make them happy, they might start to appreciate it in other ways other than thank you’s.
I think that so many of us spend our younger years wanting to have love. We want to find someone who will care for us as much as we care for them. In our imagination they would be affectionate and funny and want to spend time with us. I am one of these people. I just think it makes one so vulnerable. It makes it so easy to fall in love with the wrong person in our desperation to find love.
But how do you separate the wrong love from the right love? How do you decide who you should give your everything to, without having the fear of disappointment. I’ve been disappointed once already, and I can honestly say it broke my heart. It sounds stupid, I am only 17, it makes me blush just typing it. But I was in pain, I still am, it’s a physical pain of being abandoned. The idea of that happening again truly scares the living hell out of me.
I just can’t let this one go, because I see so much potential of love. It’s probably not the right one. But I’ve attached myself, and I’m scared detaching will hurt even more. I announced my love to Zac last night, through text of course, the cowardly and easy way out. But I didn’t mind. It wasn’t the first time I’ve told him I loved him but it was intense… too heavy for people as young as us. But I meant every word of it. i explained how much he meant to me as descriptively as I could. He hasn’t replied and it’s been hours, I knew he wouldn’t.
Does this mean it’s the wrong love though? Or does the right love need time? Because everything about it feels so right, it’s just so one sided.
the happier the memories
the more painful the nostalgia
I’m so numb at the moment. I’m at the point where I can barely understand what’s really wrong. I just feel so down and I’m hurting. I’m hurting so much and I don’t know how to change it.
I’m in such a vulnerable state, which I hate. I like my strong image. But I’m struggling to hide my weakness lately. I’ve let my walls down so often lately, because I’m struggling to keep them standing.
Losing Zac has impacted me majorly. It shouldn’t have though - we were only dating for about 5 months. It just shows me he was the only thing holding me up. The love and affection I received was holding me up. Once it was lost, I broke again.
However it’s unfair to rely on him or anyone anymore. Nothing lasts forever and people leave. It’s important to have your own coping strategies. Unfortunately I’m in a bit of a limbo area at the moment.